I, Jaen

I first wrote this during what was gamer-gate or itisallaboutethicsinvideogamejournalsm-gate. if you don't know what that is, don't make an effort. It is a deep and depressing rabbit hole.

This isn't really about feminism or equality or whatever.

But it has both videogames and identity kind of. Well it’s mostly about me. Here goes.

All that follows is based on my experience with the Mass Effect and Dragon Age series from BioWare and the great Elder Scrolls games from Bethesda.

And of course Diablo, D&D, KOTOR, Shadowrun and a bunch of MMOs and other RPGs.

As you might have guessed I like RPGs both the digital and non-digital variety. The ones with action and high adventure. I like to kill orks, slay dragons. Blast aliens, stormtroopers, robots and faceless corporate goons.

I’m the one saving the world or maybe just my own ass.

But I have found something that might be a bit peculiar.

When I play any rpg from Bioware I play the same character, Jaen. It should be Jean but I spelled it wrong by mistake and stuck with it.

I’ve been Jaen Shepard through the Mass Effect trilogy. Jaen Hawke and simply Jaen in Dragon age 2 and origins respectively. and Inqusiton.

The character creation in Bioware rpgs is pretty much the same. It has of course been improved over the years but not much has changed. I always pick the same options.

Female. Red hair. Green eyes. In space some kind of scar. In fantasy settings some mystic tattoo. The hair is the shortest ponytail option you can choose. (That must be preferable when fighting darkspawn or Reapers, I guess)

This might seem weird, silly or unimportant to tell you.

So why am I writing this? Well, I don’t know. But I found two interesting things.

1: I don’t know why I always do this.

And 2: I don’t always do it.

So why and when. Well in all Bioware action RPGs. I create the same character.

Those games are 3^rd person and single player. So maybe that’s is part of the reason.

But a bit about my second point before I move forward. When do I play what character? Depends on gameplay and narrative.

Just Perspective

In pen & paper RPGs I always play different characters and classes. When I GM I steal from everywhere. Even myself. My regular RPG group will not get to read this but if they did they might start to recognize some NPC.

In all the MMOs I have tried I never once made that same character. I’ve never been really into MMOs but I’ve tried a lot them. Played WoW, DCU Online and SW: Old Republic. The last one is definitely the one I’ve played the most. I is even from Bioware and it is even fantasy in space.

But no I made a different character. Not Jaen.

There is no reason to play the same character in all RPGs of course. But it is kind of interesting to see when and why you play what character.

In an MMO there is a lot of other players playing. So the avatar is my representation in the game to the other players. It is more a game piece than a character in a story. The avatar is my body in the game, so I choose something closer to my real body. Can seem silly maybe, I am not a Jedi in real life either I know.

I think it is more about how I’m perceived than how I see myself. I don’t want scam anyone or whatever. I’m a guy in the analog world so I’m a guy in the matrix. That’s how it works, right?

In all the Elder Scrolls game I am men too. Not even snakemen or elves. No, plain old humans. Boring me.

Those games are 1^st person so it might just be that I play myself. I don’t know. I play a Norse in Skyrim because that is what makes most sense and is in a way expected. It’s on the cover of the disc.

Back to the first point, Why?.

Perspective. The above example mentions Skyrim being played in a first person perspective. So you don’t really see the character you’re playing. Not even in conversations. Only when you equip different armor and weapons.

In the 3^rd perspective on the other hand you see the character all the time. I play RPG to be something other than my ordinary self. I want to immerse myself in lore and of course kill monsters. If I’m going look at something for 40 hours it is definitely not going to be me and I’d rather have it be woman than a man.

I play a protagonist in a story in 3^rd person in 1^st I play “me”

Just narrative

The race you play give you some kind of bonus, usually. The class of course has a huge impact on the game you play.

But the option to play male or female doesn’t have any impact on game mechanics.

So Jaen, here is my justifications for why I choose the options I do.

In Skyrims narrative you are The hero. Everything revolves around you. Your choices. And you can do anything in the giant sandboxes of Skyrim and Oblivion.

It is a gamespace, game and narrative centered around one word/person: YOU.

In Mass Effect and Dragon Age the narrative is centers on Shepard, The Warden or Hawke. It is a different way focusing the narrative and playing the game.

You control someone else. The protagonist in Biowares epic.

So I create the character that fits and creates the most compelling story for me.

Here we talk about stereotypes. Might be more suited to say archetypes. Stereotypes have a bad rep. The Hero, The One, The Savior  is stereotypes as well. That’s the ones you play in these games.

The Hero is defined by opposition. By whatever (s)he has to overcome. Destroy the Ring. Don’t give in to temptation and overcome your physicality. If we look at Frodo in LOtR.

In Dragon Age Origins I was a female city elves warrior. I’m The Underdog. The Unlikely Hero. The lowest of the lowest.

Of all the peoples in Feralden the city elves are the most oppressed. The women are servants or whores. And a warrior seemed as the most unlikely class for such a person to be. (but honestly I just prefer playing a warrior).

In stories like this the Hero is the unlikely one, weak or whatever. Frodo, Luke and so on.

I pick the Archetype that fits the story for me. (In Shadowrun Returns I’m a human female street samurai called Molly because I love the book Neuromancer¹)

And I think there is a difference in how Skyrim and Dragon Age frames gameplay and story.

Just Me

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I think too much. Put too much into the choices. I can spend a long time in character creation just pondering a name. Maybe it is just personal preference. I prefer the FemShep actor to the male counterpart. I prefer the story where a female city elf saves all of Feralden by sacrificing herself to kill a Demon. I do it’s true.

But it is more than that. I chose in stereo types but not in any bad way. My Barbarian and Monk in Diablo are big muscled men while my Mage and Demon Hunter are women. That makes most sense to my brain. When I play pen&paper RPGs I wanna see a cool story unfold. The character I play reflect that. I identify with stereotypes or archetypes from movies and books. I try to re-create those stories, I think.

When I chose it has little to with identity or gender. It is more to do with narrative and gameplay.

In Biowares RPGs or others framed in a similar way, I control, to an extent, a protagonist in a story unfolding before me. In Skyrim I want to explore and kill dragons or maybe just run around eating things. But maybe that’s just me.

Notes:

1: The book that started the genre we know call cyberpunk. And greatly inspired the original Shadowrun pen and paper RPG. One of the protagonist is called Molly Millions.

Also the book where the words cyberspace and the matrix first appeared.

Bibliography:

Ace, Gibson, William, Neuromancer. 1984.

Ludography:

BioWare. Mass Effect. 2007

BioWare. Mass Effect 2. 2010

BioWare. Mass Effect 3. 2012

BioWare. Dragon Age: Origins. 2009

BioWare. Dragon Age II. 2011

Blizzard North. Diablo II. 2000

Blizzard Entertainment. Diablo III. 2012.

BioWare. Star Wars: Knights of the Old republic. 2003

Blizzard Entertainment. World of Warcraft. 2004.

Harebrained Schemes. Shadowrun Returns. 2013.

Bethesda Game Studios. Elder Scrolls: Oblivion. 2006

Bethesda Game Studios. Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. 2011

Gary Gygax and Dave Arneson. Dungeons & Dragons. 1974

Stuck in Time

Life is good, A mushy look at an emotional game.

I just finished Life is Strange this weekend and holy shit, what a game. Definately my game of 2015 but I’m behind on all those games, haven't even touched Witcher yet. I just had to share my experience with someone, anyone.
Might spoil some things in this so be warned but I will try not to spoil Life is Strange (I don’t think I did).

I'm still kind of emotional and I'm writing this with the Life is Strange Soundtrack on youtube open in another tab, to keep the mood.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0gzU8dGFG9s&index=3&list=FLjep4ePXTpKrrqKA9JRtbJw

I wasn't sure I would like Life is Strange and of a coincident I stumbled onto it, glad I did. This is why I love films and why I play games, sometimes you find something that makes feel something you didn't expect. the best fiction, you take with you... 

I can count on one hand the games that have kept me thinking about them after I stopped playing and/or made me feel something during. I know nearly all games makes us feel something, otherwise why play? The hunt for points, or not dying, beating up friends etc. is exciting and makes your heart pound. But that is not the feelings I mean. Emotion like being content or happy, even sad. 
That is what I like and look for in books and movies, fuck it let’s call it art. If the thing, whatever it is, won’t let go after it is over. Fake (fictional) things that makes feel real emotion.
Off the top off my head here is the rest of the games that made me feel non-gamey things, for context.
Bioshock infinite (Might lose some people here, I got reasons but that is a whole other conversation). Gone home. Last of Us. And Life is Strange of course. 
Must be more I forgot.

Maybe that sounded kind of Emo or cheesy, saying I want to be depressed watching movies or playing games, I don’t, but I like when it happens. A game about high school teenagers wanting to be artist will unavoidable include teenage angst, just saying. 
The game handled it great, even though the writing isn’t always the greatest and there are technical flaws but after the first episode I forgot or didn’t care, I was invested. And by the way teenagers can be over dramatic especially when trying to be poetic. oh boy, I remember. Oh well.

In almost every regard the teenage experience of Max is far and wide removed from my own. Other than being a teenager and not fitting in. I was a nerd before it was cool in the least nerdy school. 
But now I have Max Caulfield’s experience too, hers involving decidedly more super powers than mine.

If you don't know in Life is Strange you are Max Caufield you attend Blackwell Academy back in your old hometown. You reconnect with your childhood best friend, Chloe. Oh and find out you can rewind time. You can rewind to solve puzzles and get more information out off people. After a conversation you can go back and get an outcome you are more comfortable with. Very different than in other new adventure games.

I like these new adventure games, seems like telltale started a trend or resurgence, I don’t know. I didn’t play monkey and those games back in the day. Played all the new Telltale games though.

But the choices in Life is Strange feel like they matter way more than in Telltale games. 

Even though you could argue the choices matter less because you can rewind can and choice something else. That you can see the consequences of your actions and the chose something else makes them more not less. 

That you can change the outcome makes you, at least made me, think “how do I feel about this?”, “is this really the outcome I want?”, “should I rewind?”. 
And some of the choices are gut-wrenching and made me think about what I would do in real life… The biggest choices I actually spend the least time on. I knew exactly what I would/should do or what my Max could never do… 
On the other hand I must have used like 20 rewinds to make sure Frank didn’t get hurt, I couldn’t do that to his dog, Pompidou.

The game is so modest and unassuming in its presentation that when the big twists or bold moves come along the impact is so much more real… 
Every episode stunned me at some point and made me go “holy shit” or “what the fuck”. Through episode 1 I thought I knew what game I was playing and where the story was going. Wrong on both accounts, way wrong on the second.
And the really have big moments and twists. I never saw coming. 

And always guess the murderer in the crime shows on tv.
The mystery jumps back and forth between a Donnie Darko or Groundhog Day vibe and all the way to a Fincher or Twin Peaks vibe. 

But all the episodes also have pleasant relaxing moments. Almost boring but really nice. Not really any other way to explain it, just nice.

One of the greatest moments for me was a sequence like that. 
In episode 3, Max & Chloe is just lying down on a bed listening to a song. Nothing happens and it made me think “should I do something?”, “press something?” I didn’t and I still don’t know if I was supposed to do something. But moments like those are rare in video games, unless you seek them. In a way that’s a bold move. 

lets stay in that moment for a bit. here is why a moment like that can be so strong if you are invested, as I were. (Or skip it, you can always rewind)

In a scene with little or no narrative frame, where nothing really happens we turn from objectivity to subjectivity in our mind. 

Let me explain.

When you watch Die Hard and John McClane runs over shattered glass we feel for him, you might even cringe and curl your toes. We go through a mental excise, a simulation of that event. When shooting nazis or zombies, or zombie nazis, in a Call of Duty the sensation is greater because you actually interact.

That is why action and horror movies and games so exciting. You know it is not real but it still gets you adrenaline going.

In film you constantly come up with proposition from clues in the movie. "The butler did it", "it's aliens", "he's ghost", "she's gonna leave him" etc. You invent a thesis that is either confirmed or rejected. Then you repeat that until the movie end. That is an exciting mental activity.

When nothing happens, it wont invoke the feeling of dealing with a real objective phenomena. so what is left is subjective associations. In a movie scene with the protagonist looking at a nature scene for a extended period of time, there is no action to excite your motor skills or few to no narrative clues to form propositions from. So you associate freely.

In my example Chloe & Max just talks and relaxes, you hear music and the sounds of suburban america and warm autumn light pours in through the window. With nothing to clearly look for or do your brain goes to unconscious associative processes. 

You feel or think whatever you might. If it hits you right then it can be work amazingly.

there a some things the scene clearly wants you to feel. but you bring your baggage to it for better or worse. 

If you want the scene can end as soon as Max & Chloe stops talking if you press something. 

Life is Strange coaxed into not realizing and made me feel... well... content, in that moment. 

And feel for every virtual soul in Arcadia Bay...

Well done.

Another great moment for me, kind of emotional actually, was a text Max (from my game) got from Kate's dad. If you got that text you know what I’m talking about. I hope most of you didn’t get that text though.
The characters also change as you get to know them. I changed my mind about a couple of them.

Even the gamey parts are good, not just annoying QTE’s. of course there is a couple of bad things and stupid puzzles. Especially in the end. But that PT style repeating hallway was pretty cool.
And you actually have to some proper detective stuff at some point. 
Exploring and finding the small details can help you in the social puzzles, so you don’t have to rewind 20 times for a dog. I missed some small clues that ended up have dire consequences.

It might not work for you, you might hate the music, the writing, the setting. You might feel the emotion is forced. But I implore you give it try. If it works it's amazing.

Max & Chloe as weird as it sounds, became real people. And I miss them.
And Pompidou of course … I miss a fictional dog, I don’t even like dogs, life is strange indeed.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GJO_RpBnEg&index=1&list=FLjep4ePXTpKrrqKA9JRtbJw). Still gets me. 
And now I’m done.

Ludography:

Life is Strange, 2015. Dontnod 

Bibliography:

Grodal, Torben. Filmoplevelse - en indføring i audiovisuel teori og analyse. Forlaget Samfundslitteratur 2007

Grodal, Torben. Embodied Visions: Evolution, Emotion, Culture, and Film. Oxford University Press 2009

Filmography:

John McTiernan. Die Hard. 1988